Wednesday, February 22, 2012

One Year Later

I could not say what my feeling was before today's arrival. I thought I would be just busy and won't have time to think anything else. I thought, after all, one year is a long time and the pain should be lessen.

I was wrong.

Yesterday, reading what I wrote about Daisy last year, I collapsed into a pool of tears - right before leaving for Joshua's math class. I had to wipe off the tears and fought the emotional urge of dwelling into the shadow of memory.

I held myself back and went on with the day and thought to myself: God will be there to hold me and He will give me the peace I need.

 I was busy until midnight last night.

It took me a while to actually fall asleep. I tossed and turned and I knew today would the payday for the  restless night.

Today came. Another hit the floor and run kind of day again.  My throat feels like there is a lump there all day. I wanted to cry, I wanted to go buy a little white daisy flower to remember her.  I wanted to just be left alone and read all the notes I wrote down during those crazy few days from finding out I was with child and loosing her so drastically.

I could not even do that.  I have other children that need me. I have the home to keep, the business to run and I am just tired.

I realized that I am the only one in the family who remembers today is Daisy's heaven going day. It hits me harder perhaps because I was the one who went through the physical pain of loosing her.

My family do not get as emotional as I do and I understand, we are all too busy.

So here I have a few minutes before the busyness kicks back in, I want to just jog down on this day that:

Dear Daisy,
I love you and I am so sorry I could not have a chance to meet you and to hold you but I know you are in heaven right now sitting on Jesus' lap and I can't wait to meet you. My heart still breaks every time when I think of the "what if" but knowing I have a God that does not make mistakes, I am at peace with this choice of His. You will always be in my heart and as much as I wish it would be otherwise, I had and have to let you go.

My love to you,
Mommy ♥


Melinda said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I grieve with you still over the loss of Daisy.
I have been thinking about you all week and today, knowing that it was close to the one year mark.
May God bring comfort to you.

Our Lives said...

Thank you Melinda. I am actually calling it the night now as I am just so drained for being so busy and not able to have a good cry. I hope to see you soon.

brandigirl said...

I typed apple carrot pulp muffins into google today and the search brought me to your blog. Well, perhaps it was God. I have lost a few babies and words can't express the pain of it. I felt guilty after my youngest was born because I still missed her sister, who at 25 weeks was born still. Then I was reading the bible and the story of the shepherd leaving the 99 for the one stuck out to me. Sometimes, I still need time to retreat away and just miss them. I joined a grief group to support other families going through loss and it also gives me a chance once a month to just think of them. I'm so sorry about your Daisy.