I could not say what my feeling was before today's arrival. I thought I would be just busy and won't have time to think anything else. I thought, after all, one year is a long time and the pain should be lessen.
I was wrong.
Yesterday, reading what I wrote about Daisy last year, I collapsed into a pool of tears - right before leaving for Joshua's math class. I had to wipe off the tears and fought the emotional urge of dwelling into the shadow of memory.
I held myself back and went on with the day and thought to myself: God will be there to hold me and He will give me the peace I need.
I was busy until midnight last night.
It took me a while to actually fall asleep. I tossed and turned and I knew today would the payday for the restless night.
Today came. Another hit the floor and run kind of day again. My throat feels like there is a lump there all day. I wanted to cry, I wanted to go buy a little white daisy flower to remember her. I wanted to just be left alone and read all the notes I wrote down during those crazy few days from finding out I was with child and loosing her so drastically.
I could not even do that. I have other children that need me. I have the home to keep, the business to run and I am just tired.
I realized that I am the only one in the family who remembers today is Daisy's heaven going day. It hits me harder perhaps because I was the one who went through the physical pain of loosing her.
My family do not get as emotional as I do and I understand, we are all too busy.
So here I have a few minutes before the busyness kicks back in, I want to just jog down on this day that:
Dear Daisy,
I love you and I am so sorry I could not have a chance to meet you and to hold you but I know you are in heaven right now sitting on Jesus' lap and I can't wait to meet you. My heart still breaks every time when I think of the "what if" but knowing I have a God that does not make mistakes, I am at peace with this choice of His. You will always be in my heart and as much as I wish it would be otherwise, I had and have to let you go.
My love to you,
Mommy ♥
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3 comments:
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I grieve with you still over the loss of Daisy.
I have been thinking about you all week and today, knowing that it was close to the one year mark.
May God bring comfort to you.
Thank you Melinda. I am actually calling it the night now as I am just so drained for being so busy and not able to have a good cry. I hope to see you soon.
I typed apple carrot pulp muffins into google today and the search brought me to your blog. Well, perhaps it was God. I have lost a few babies and words can't express the pain of it. I felt guilty after my youngest was born because I still missed her sister, who at 25 weeks was born still. Then I was reading the bible and the story of the shepherd leaving the 99 for the one stuck out to me. Sometimes, I still need time to retreat away and just miss them. I joined a grief group to support other families going through loss and it also gives me a chance once a month to just think of them. I'm so sorry about your Daisy.
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