Shocked

To say that I was in an emotional roller coaster these last three days is an understatement. I am still processing the fact that there is a baby in my womb.

I looked back at my old blog posts and found this one which now I think was what my body was trying to tell me that I was with child. But because I thought I was on my way to another chapter of my life that I mistranslated the signs to be part of the menopause.

I have not had any morning sickness or strong craving of certain kind of food. Those two were the biggest signals during my pregnancies of other four children. Needless to say, last Sunday, when I was suddenly attacked by this incredible hunger while working alarmed me that something was not right with my body. The funny part was that I thought I had tapeworm. TAPEWORM!!! Who in the world would have such imagination? Anyway, I was trying to rule out the cause of this hunger, and while talking to my family, I don't remember who said: "would that be you are having a baby?"

"A BABY?" I said, rolled my eyes.

I assured them that it is not a baby, I am just hungry maybe because the horrible diarrhea I just had recently, and now my body is just trying to "restock".

To make them happy and prove them wrong, I asked Robert to run down to the store and get a home test kit. I was so calm and confident as I did the procedure of the test. But when I saw how quickly the two lines showed up, I had to sit down! It is impossible! But there they are, the two lines stared back at me.

I walked down stairs, my face must have said it all. Robert exclaimed: "Mommy is going to have a baby!!!"

The kids turned their heads from whatever they were doing and looked at me for confirmation. I showed them the test kit. They both rushed to my side and held me and made me sit down and get water for me and shouting: "We are going to have a baby! Yay!!!"

I was overwhelmed with their gladness of this shocking news. I have not been able to think clearly these three days.

But just as the sudden joy that took place, two days ago, I suddenly started bleeding, not heavily, but that's never this sign in any of my prior pregnancies. I was really panic, but deep down in my heart, I know God is in control of all things - big or small.

Because we only have about a month of insurance coverage left, I was trying to save money by skipping the doctor's confirmation visit, but the bleeding would not stop.

It was raining so hard yesterday. I felt like the heaven was crying with me as I was crying and praying so hard that the Lord will let us keep this baby.

Yesterday at 1:30pm, Robert and I were at the CPC but they could not perform the ultrasound exam because of my bleeding. They recommended us to see a doctor right away, as they said it might be the beginning of a miscarriage.

A miscarriage!

My heart sank and I cried out to the Lord: " Oh please, Lord, please let that not be a miscarriage... please..."

Dodging the rain, Robert and I made it to the doctor's office, five minutes before their closing time. The doctor performed the vaginal ultrasound exam and we saw the baby sack and some little dots. So, the "baby" is definitely there, but the doctor did not seem to be thrilled of the growth. According to the chart and the information I gave him the baby should be at about 8 weeks but the picture he saw seems to be at six weeks. I am very confused at this, because if we are calculating this according to the actual conception date, then it is where it should be but if it is base on the first day of my last menstrual cycle then the "baby" is off by two weeks.

Yes, I am emotionally beaten. But in my heart, I know that The Lord reigns and I have the peace only a child of God could relate.

I am still bleeding but I am accepting it. I pray when I see my doctor for my first pre-natal check up on Mach 1st, that the baby is still hanging in there with me.