Daisy Love Day

It took two years but I finally middle named our unborn baby girl ~ Love

I will remember Daisy every year this day as she had taught me the love of God is the most powerful thing on earth.

I still cry whenever this day comes but always ending the day with the knowledge that I will see her some day in heaven and then there I will see her precious face with tears of joy.

Unless you have miscarried a baby, this pain is hard to describe. Yes, the world goes on with or without your baby, but your own world is up-side down whenever the anniversary of that fatal day is here.

It truly is by God's grace that we move through that day.

Today I went out and bought some daisy flowers in remembrance of my baby in heaven.

I found out the meaning of Daisy - loyal love.

I love her even though she is not here.

Our heavenly Father loves us before we love Him.

February is the month of love, however way you look at it.

So yes, I know I have found her a perfect middle name.

Love you so much, sweet Daisy Love.

Until we meet in heaven,

Mommy ♥

One Year Later

I could not say what my feeling was before today's arrival. I thought I would be just busy and won't have time to think anything else. I thought, after all, one year is a long time and the pain should be lessen.

I was wrong.

Yesterday, reading what I wrote about Daisy last year, I collapsed into a pool of tears - right before leaving for Joshua's math class. I had to wipe off the tears and fought the emotional urge of dwelling into the shadow of memory.

I held myself back and went on with the day and thought to myself: God will be there to hold me and He will give me the peace I need.

 I was busy until midnight last night.

It took me a while to actually fall asleep. I tossed and turned and I knew today would the payday for the  restless night.

Today came. Another hit the floor and run kind of day again.  My throat feels like there is a lump there all day. I wanted to cry, I wanted to go buy a little white daisy flower to remember her.  I wanted to just be left alone and read all the notes I wrote down during those crazy few days from finding out I was with child and loosing her so drastically.

I could not even do that.  I have other children that need me. I have the home to keep, the business to run and I am just tired.

I realized that I am the only one in the family who remembers today is Daisy's heaven going day. It hits me harder perhaps because I was the one who went through the physical pain of loosing her.

My family do not get as emotional as I do and I understand, we are all too busy.

So here I have a few minutes before the busyness kicks back in, I want to just jog down on this day that:

Dear Daisy,
I love you and I am so sorry I could not have a chance to meet you and to hold you but I know you are in heaven right now sitting on Jesus' lap and I can't wait to meet you. My heart still breaks every time when I think of the "what if" but knowing I have a God that does not make mistakes, I am at peace with this choice of His. You will always be in my heart and as much as I wish it would be otherwise, I had and have to let you go.

My love to you,
Mommy ♥

My Daisy

I will see you one day in heaven, my sweet baby. ♥ Mom.